Addiction Aerobics (A.A.) by Caroline Flott

I know what it looks like—
this bottle of tequila next to my bed,
after I promised you I’d stay sober.
would you believe me if I said
it belonged to a friend?

I know.
I keep walking in circles
on a tightrope in the air.
Nobody wanted to hold out the net
and I am stuck up here
knowing if I fall—there’s only death.
The pendulum swings between
glass bottles and syringes–
my tongue dry and my veins pulsing;
the world spinning beneath me.

I know.
I wish I had control like you.
I wish I understood the curves of the Earth.
I wish I had the hand crank you pull
to keep up with these planetary rotations–
a revolutionary resolution
as your wrist breaks from the carpel tunnel
and I wish I could cop the pills
they’ll give you for that and when I do
you’ll roll your eyes and call me an addict

I know.
I know the disappointments roll off your tongue,
A struggle strangling at the tip of your teeth,
your throat aching from holding back
until you write a note to my therapist
wishing for my death.

I wish you’d just hold out the damn net…

but no

It’s as cold as turkey.
zero tolerance. zero breaks.
not a sip or a cig
not even a hit.
I must stand on my righteous rope of resistance
praying for repentance for every urge
I have of the human condition.
Listen
–I know the consequences.

I know.
I know anonymous means to be alone.
A separation of the self from my suicidal ideation
A secret society to keep sobriety
and to think you’re alone at every turn of the spiral.
An abstinence only occupation
where it’s all or nothing–
tiptoes on tight ropes or death
and an insufferable isolation.

Just hold out the fucking net.

Caroline is an Indianapolis native. When she is not writing poems or speaking at open mics, she is going to art galleries, markets, and concerts looking for additional inspiration. Her main medium is poetry, but does occasionally write short stories and is currently working on her first zine. Her work focuses on religious trauma, misogyny, and personal relationships. She graduated from the IUPUI School of Liberal Arts in 2019.